Music, Adam Lambert, Queen Adam Lambert, The Original High, QAL, LGBTQ, LGBT. LGBTQ, for your entertainment

Adam Lambert: From For Your Entertainment to The Original High

Last night, when I was editing Jessica's piece about Linkin Park I found myself drawn into her life story. How the music helped her to change her life. We got talking about how much music matters, how it makes you feel and somewhere along the line I got talking about the artist which means the same to me as Linkin Park did to her. Which is kind of how this article has come about, as she mused me into talking about this.

Everyone finds it funny how much I play Adam Lambert music, and how much I promo it on the site. It's no secret that a couple of years ago, I was working for a website I hated. The editor had way too many rules, which ruined it for pretty much everyone there. A few stayed, including a good friend of mine. However, someone broke off to create his own site, wanted me to join him. I really didn't want to, I had been put off professional writing and yet he kept trying. I lashed out in the end and said unless I got exclusive rights to write anything I wanted about Adam Lambert and his career I didn't care. I was a little bit drunk at the time, what I didn't expect was when he said yes. From that, I moved sites, worked my ass growing it and then he closed it a few months later. Wasting all my good work, which was where Pulse came from and how we are speaking today. But why do I work so much on Mr. Lambert's career?

Well, okay. I will tell you. Back in 2012, I was in a very abusive chokehold relationship. The one I had been in for eight years, known the guy for ten. It was my first and only long-term relationship, so I allowed others around me to guide me to what was normal in one. The abuse started slowly, verbal, emotional blackmail. So slowly, I never realized how bad it was until I was too far gone to get out. The violence started badly in 2010 and kept on for the next two years. I'd decided to take my own life and was sorting through unfinished business before I did so. I honestly did no see another way out of the relationship. I'd tried to move out, I'd asked family for help. Some friends put me up whenever they could. I couldn't get a flat, I couldn't get into a shelter because I worked part time.

Then out of a random meeting at a book signing, two amazing people came into my life. One who is still there for me five years on. They saw me for the broken hurting person I was, one of the few who could see through the masks and walls I had up. They kept trying to get me to listen to Adam's music. I was in a bitchy phase and just was no, go away, I don't care. I hadn't even listened to music in like three years, I really don't know how I had got through that time without it. They kept posting the If I Had You video on my fb wall, and I kept ignoring it. In the end, they nagged the hell outta me, until I did agree. I was sorta half watching it, not really interested. Liked the video, but thought the music was pretty terrible. As well as thought he used way too much vibrato for a man. Don't shoot me, that opinion will change.

They left it at that until they found out that I love Queen music. I don't even remember how that conversation came around now. I do, I've loved the band since I was three. My dad played their music all the time, but annoying had like two albums. So it was adulthood before I found out that band had more music than that! Even now I am still playing catch up buying albums and hearing older tracks I missed out on. So, they went for a new angle. They sent me a youtube link to the Kiev concert and ordered me to watch it or they would take away my candy. An evil threat right?! For risking the loss of candy, I will do most things. So, I sat there, watching it while my ex-was at work. Texting said, friends, until it got a few songs in. And they did Don't Stop Me Now. That and Princes of The Universe (Which was the first of their tracks I ever heard, Dad loved Highlander) are my favourites. I've heard a few versions, but nothing that matched Adam's. I got drawn into the show, the stagecraft, his vocals, and okay yes. The tight leather trousers as well. I didn't text again until after the concert finished, and then I was: What else has this dude done?

Next day, they turned up and gave me For Your Entertainment to listen to. Which, I did and some songs just really jumped out at me.

Sleepwalker for one:

Outside the rain's pouring down There's not a drop that hits me
Scream at the sky but no sound
Is leavin' my lips
It's like I can't even feel
After the way you've touched me
I'm not asleep
But I'm not awake
After the way you loved me

It struck me, as so much like the relationship I was in at that moment. How I felt, the misery, the pain, the desperation to escape. Whatever it took, just to be free of the numbness, the ache, the loss inside of me.

Then Aftermath:

Just remember you are not alone In the aftermath
You feel the weight
Of lies and contradictions that you live with every day
And it's not too late
Think of what can be if you rewrite the role you play

Well, I don't think that it's a shock to anyone how deeply that cut me inside. Along with its companion: Broken Open which reminded me of the person trying to 'save me', when I didn't feel I was worth saving.

I don't want you to go Don't wanna see you back out in the cold
Air you're breathing out fades you to grey
Don't run away, find me
I know the battles of chasing the shadows of who you wanna be
It doesn't matter, go on and shatter
I'm all you need
Broken pieces, break into me

And then, we hit the motherload. Time for Miracles:

Baby you know that Maybe it's time for miracles
'Cause I ain't giving up on love
You know that
Maybe it's time for miracles
'Cause I ain't giving up on love
No I ain't giving up on us

From the movie 2012 of course, well that became my theme song of hope. For the next year as I left the ex and tried to find my way again. When I had nightmares, the said friend we spoke of earlier. He used to hold me, and sing that song over and over again so I could sleep. Hell, his voice was raw and almost gone some nights if I had a bad session. Five years on, it's still my go-to song when I need to feel safe. Five years on, I still play Adam's music to sleep.

Can't Let You Go: Is also something that would come to mean a lot to me in later years. When that friend was struck with cancer. When I first got told, that song played on repeat for two entire days as the news sunk in. Then on the third, I turned it off, stood up and said ok. We are gonna fight this, together. At the moment, even though he has relapsed a few times, he seems cancer free and I hope it stays that way.

From this, seeing the effect it was having on me to listen to music, and his music as well. They gave me the second album: Trespassing.

And then, we have Chokehold. Which pretty sumed up exactly how I felt about my ex. I hated him, but I loved him too. Making it so hard to eventually walk away.

I keep running away, running away, running away from you But I can't stand breaking the chains
Breaking the chains, breaking the chains
It's too good
'Cause I know the second you go
Want cha to bring it on back, bring it on back
Bring it on back to me
And you know I want your chokehold

As well as Runnin, which IDC what anyone says. I still read the opening of that as a suicide note. At the very least it talks of heavy benders, trying to escape reality. Which for a long time, was my life.

Steel to my tremblin' lips How did the night ever get like this?
One shot and the whiskey goes down, down, down
Bottom of the bottle hits
Waking up my mind as I throw a fit
The breakin’ is takin’ me down, down, down

The music was there for me, the whole upheaval of leaving the abuse, through working out that I wasn't as straight as I had thought and that wasn't a bad thing. Even as virtually every person I knew turned from me, the music was always there. The next couple of years were not very good for me, trying to fix my life and even now there are times when I really struggle. Still trying to deal with debts and problems my ex left me in. I know it is impossible that the artist knew, I'm not some stalker crazy fan girl. But every time I was low, he would throw a twitter party, or post a leaked song (Like Hold On) or put up some daft snap chat to distract me. In fact seeing him live in concert for the first time (with Queen, 2014) was something that kept me going for a long time. Then, of course, I had the honour of watching Chatty Man film the next year and speaking to his agents and publicity over the album launch. And then attended both his UK solo concerts last year. Then this winter I will be seeing the Queen tour again. As well as working on a bid to interview him, fingers crossed.

Although a large number of the second and third albums also call to me, if I went through all of them. We would be here for hours. So I will just drop in the most powerful one from The Original High, one that I have actually sung at open mic night myself. One that reminds you to never back down on what means something to you.

So there, I said it And I won't apologize to you anymore
Cause I'm a grown ass man
And I won't live again
And I'm sick and tired of livin' in your shadow
So, there I said it
No, I won't apologize to you anymore
Cause I'm a grown ass man
And I don't understand
Why I should be livin' in the shadows
So there, I said it

Fighting against all the things people said I could never do, building up my writing career. Slowly, fair be it, but she's getting where I want it to be now. All of this, because five years ago, a girl lent me a cd. Introducing me to music, an artist and ideals that would change my life. Crazy huh? Sometimes, people come into your lives just when you need them. Artists like Adam, they may not mean something to everyone. Yet they mean something to a lot, there are countless Glamberts with stories out there in the groups. Just like mine.

For any of you still suffering with hate, let me leave you with some words from Mr. Lambert himself: